A Touch of Sanity
by Red Baron A.K.A. Crowley
Summary: Anti Twilight. Stoker, the OC who's been mentioned in so many reviews for anti twilight work, makes his first appearance. When Doc an OC Invents a device that lets you travel into books, Stoker naturally plans to destroy Twilight. VIVE LE TEAM STOKER!
1. Chapter 1

A touch of sanity

Stoker (a soon to be recurring character of mine) discovers a way to enter and alter novels. The first thing he does? Try to prevent twilight from ever happening.

Stoker was having a good day. He'd brought 2 twilight fans to the point where their only response to his logic was to stand rooted to the spot, gaping, mouth open, stuttering indistinct consonants. This was his mission and his hobby. The meeting of the Dielights hadn't gone as well however. The Dielights were a group Stoker had founded in defiance of twilight's growing popularity, named to be the mirror image of the name some had adopted for twilight nuts, twihards. The meeting's primary problem had been that Stoker was beginning to suspect several of his members of being spies. He'd misdirected them, making them think that the usual meeting place was under maintenance, bringing those he knew to be loyal to discuss the problem. Some people were beginning to think he was crazy. In reality, 2 of those he suspected of subterfuge were indeed spies. Stoker had spotted them quickly due to their frequent use of the word like. Generally, people in anti twilight groups evaded use excessive use of that word. Another he suspected, who'd joined at the same time, had been less obvious, because he was a freelancer. He wasn't particularly good though, and aroused suspicion in Stoker quite quickly. Stoker likely wouldn't be removed as head of the group though. They knew that, while he'd stay in if removed, he'd go found 5 more clubs because he didn't have enough to do in the crusade against twilight. In addition, Stoker's rabid hatred for twilight and his eccentric tendencies were what held the group together. Anyone who had a serious vote on the matter would realize this and vote to leave him as leader.

This didn't mean that there was no opposition. Quite the contrary. Knowing that Stoker losing command was a near impossibility, members were more likely to voice concerns on impulse. At some point though, something kept them in check. This missing element was likely the fact that, at first glance or after having known him, it was clear that Stoker was not the best choice for someone to piss off. He was quickly identifiable by a black trench coat, a dark brown t-shirt, a fedora over his brown hair, which looked nearly gold in the right light and was set in a manner not unlike that of Napoleon, although his hair was swept to the other side, and black trousers, He wore fine brown leather boots and tucked his pants into them because it looked cooler. In the top of the t-shirt, as though it were a nobleman's best, he wore a red….not exactly an ascot, that thing you always see on 17 and 1800s nobility. Actually it might be an ascot. Not the thing Fred from Scooby Doo wears. Moving on. In one boot, he kept a dagger, in the other, a stake, which he considered a sign of the resistance to twilight. In his trench coat pockets, he kept copies of Dracula, The Hound of the Baskervilles, and a few other Holmes novels and case collections. At his side dangled a sheath containing a fencing foil with the plastic cap loosened enough to be removed on a moment's notice and which was sharpened beneath it. Although Stoker was a humane person, and rarely physically fought anyone, he was one of the most dangerous bastards you could set eyes on. One can see why people endeavor to avoid his wrath.

As to his trusted Dielights, they consisted of 3 men. His loyal assistant Jim Atkins, an English immigrant who served as Stoker's second in command and pulled him back from some of his crazier schemes. Where Stoker was an artist and had a certain brilliant flair in argument and strategy, Jim was more practical and Spartan, something of a Wellington to Stoker's Napoleon, or Montgomery to his Rommel (before people flame calling me a Nazi, Rommel, whatever else he may be, was a great general, and also adamantly opposed Hitler on several occasions. He was also popular with people who repeatedly tried to kill Hitler. Before you flame, get half an idea what you're talking about. And for the record, Waterloo was Ney's fault, not Napoleon, and Rommel losing was the fault of A. Terrible german hygiene policies B. The moron who replaced him when he was out with dysentery and C. Hitler ordering him to not retreat, which I believe he actually went against by the end. ) His technician, third in command, and medical officer was a man named Theodore MacCaber, although he generally went by Doc. He was an innovative doctor, who had mistakenly transferred to a science and engineering school midway through his final year of med school. He'd quickly showed an aptitude for it, and was granted a scholarship before even finishing half a year. He shared a bit of Stoker's taste for the dramatic, and impracticality in planning, and was more the swing vote in most of Stoker and Jim's disputes. Then there was Boom. Boom was a former spy who had been burned for blowing too much random shit up. Nobody was entirely sure what he did now, but they were certain it involved explosives. Part of the reason that Stoker remained half sane in his teammate's eyes was that anyone looked normal when compared with Boom. Nobody even knew Boom's real name. He'd used a fake one ever since he was burned and refused to go by it except in actual business. The main reason he was in the group was that Stoker took anyone who could reasonably hate twilight. The main reason he was trusted was because no one in their right mind would send Boom to infiltrate anything. And then there was Stoker. Stoker despised twilight quite possibly more than any other human being on the planet. His vendetta with it went beyond trekkie vs. Crusher, beyond France vs. England, even beyond (dare we say it) Red sox vs. Yankees. He was an expert on non twilight supernatural creatures and took every opportunity to point out flaws in twilight. He got many. Just out of spite he'd started calling himself Stoker and the name caught on. Stoker, along with Jim, who'd wanted to get pictures of it for laughs, and Doc, who figured it was a decent excuse to go to the nearby radio shack to look at the new smart phones, and 2 people he'd recruited in the middle of the mall who apparently had nothing better to do, had stood in front of the local mall-installed AMC theatres to protest the release of new moon. He was nearly trampled to death by twilight fans rushing to the ticket booths. Then one of them noticed his sign (Don't give in to this sacrilege: fight twilight!) called the others and they proceeded to beat him with their copies of the book which they had brought to the movie release for hell knows why. Movie Vs. Book canon comparison happens faster that way? Perhaps they expected protestors and wanted something to beat them with? But seriously, trekkies didn't bring their Wrath of Khan dvds or novelizations to the new star trek movie. Jim got some fairly good pictures. Then they yelled "Old man Wilkinson!" and proceeded to flee because Old Man Wilkinson was coming. Stoker had spent a week in the hospital brushing up on his Dracula, Shakespeare, Conan-Doyle and Hugo. Together, these 4 formed a group so lose, so pointless, and so divided that one could barely tell it was a group in the first place.

Back to the meeting. Jim dismissed Stoker's theory as total crap, Doc noted that the 2 had been saying like far too much, and Boom, predictably, suggested that they, quote "burn them to hell." Boom generally provided the truly crazy ideas, ranging all the way from burning any library that carried twilight, to stealing a nuke and detonating it in the author's home town. These were unanimously rejected in 4 seconds flat. It would be 2, but they were usually too stunned at his madness to react at a normal rate. After this, the meeting slowly descended into it's usual ending state, which consisted of Stoker and Jim exchanging furious points, Doc trying to keep them off each other, and Boom yelling disturbing things in the background. Back to the important part of the story, which takes place later in the day. Doc ran up looking very excited. "Stoker! I just invented the absolute most pointless thing ever! It's amazing what you can do when you're mind numbingly bored." Stoker, who was used to Doc dragging him off to see inventions which rarely worked and did anything interesting at the same time, tried to make an excuse, but was dragged along. Stoker didn't enjoy hurting his friends, and Doc had some kind of energy surge when he invented stuff. Stoker's expectations were fairly low after the book-clock fiasco, which made Doc's new, actually somewhat functional and interesting venture all the more stunning. It didn't look like much at first, just a hunk of metal. But then Doc turned it on and transported both of them into Peter Pan. We shall try to avoid telling of the entire venture here, perhaps later. Let it suffice to say that they accidently killed Steve the happy pirate before he could do anything. Doc glanced at the cover of his book, which Steve had formerly factored into significantly. Steve was gone. Doc flipped through it. It was actually a good book now without the literature world's Jar Jar Binks in it. You have likely never heard of Steve the happy pirate, and that is because he no longer exists due to Stoker and Doc playing with the literary world. If Stoker had been a cartoon character, it wouldn't have been a coincidence that Doc had turned on his bare lightbulb to read at the exact moment that Stoker got an idea, thus making a lightbulb appear above his head. "Doc" Stoker said quickly and excitedly "In theory, could we destroy an entire book this way?" Doc looked confused and terrified at the concept of destroying literature, but then remembered he was talking to Stoker, which telegraphed what Stoker meant. "I'll get the others and your vampire hunting kit." He replied. Doc really did dislike twilight, although not with the passion that Stoker did, and hey, he owed it to him for killing Steve. Doc had always hated Steve almost as much as Stoker hated twilight. Even as an 8 year old he'd considered the character shallow, 1 dimensional, stupid and irritating, and yet he shaped Captain Hook's glorious victory over Peter Pan. Then Doc had another idea. He skipped to the end. Peter was alive. Doc did a bell kick. Stoker mistook it for joy at the concept of a twilight free world. "No need to get the kit." He said "As a habit I pick up some garlic whenever I go through a kitchen, ships galley included, as you know I always carry a stake, and my sheath can actually morph into a crossbow with a few other elements that I keep on my person. And then, I always wear a silver cross just to piss off twihards." Doc hadn't known it went as far as the crossbow sheath, and he'd forgotten about going through the galley, the cross was hard to miss, even if it wasn't a religious statement but a vampire deterrent, they'd all known he carried a stake, but seriously? A compact crossbow? Doc shook it off. It fit Stoker's character perfectly. Doc called Jim, who got there right away to see if he could keep Stoker in check, and Boom, who he tricked into thinking he had his explosives cache by mistake. We said crazy, not smart. Boom got there first, but Doc occupied him with a collage of action movie explosions that he'd created specifically for the purpose. When Jim got there, knowing that he would protest such a drastic measure, Stoker, without even looking up from Hound of the Baskervilles, flipped the activation switch. The swiftness of the maneuver prevented objections being voiced and launched Stoker on what may be the final phase of his life's mission: Destroying twilight once and for all.


	2. Chapter 2: A plan begins to form

After the activation of Doc's ingenious device, the 4 found themselves in an unrealistically lit, poorly described forest in an improbable clearing. Stoker got right down to business. He calmly placed his book back in his coat pocket, drew his foil, removed the cap before replacing it in its sheath, and said in a delighted voice "Let's go kill some vampires." He had barely managed this when Jim regained his bearings and began yelling at him "ARE YOU MAD! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE WE?" Stoker retained a general air of good natured joy as he responded "We, my enraged friend, are in Forks, Washington, setting of the gravest threat the world has yet encountered. Doc here invented a deviously useful machine –good work on that by the way Doc- which allows us to enter and exit books at will. Any changes we cause occur in all publications of the novel. I.E., we kill a character, their role in the book is removed. Put simply, our purpose here is to eradicate the shinepyres before they have a chance to star in the world's worst novel. We don't have much time, if the sparkly bastard meets the girl it'll be too late. At least the beginning will be published. Are you with me or against me?" On the latter statement, Stoker threateningly placed his hand on his sword hilt. They all knew this wasn't the only threat. Stoker had trained to rapidly draw his boot dagger and throw it with impressive accuracy. Not that any of them were against him. Jim's first response wasn't to Stoker, but to Doc. He stared at him in utter amazement. "You invent something this awesome" he asked incredulously, "with such amazingly varied possibilities as this, but that can also destroy twilight, and the first thing you do, before you do anything else, before you do any of the astounding things this machine offers, you mention to Stoker that you've invented something that can destroy twilight. What the hell is wrong with you?" Doc rose to defend himself fairly quickly, replying in a reasonable tone "No, not the first thing I did. First thing Stoker and I did was go back and kill Steve the happy pirate, that goddamn half a dimensional, pointless, irritating bastard who ruined peter pan!" Jim, understandably, looked confused "Wait, I don't remember a Steve the happy pirate in peter pan." Doc interrupted him here stating "Why do you think that is? Because Stoker killed him!"

Stoker felt it wise to cut the argument short here and said in a loud, firm voice "We'll talk about that later. Not relevant. Right now we have to fix the greatest blunder ever recorded on paper. We have a once in a lifetime chance to free thousands of teenage girls from the dark, grasping tentacles of sheer stupidity. We have a chance to end the greatest affront to literature in history! And what do you do? You argue about better uses of equipment. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I for one am no longer content to sit back on my pampered ass and do nothing. Think, my lads, of the greater good. If we are not to do this, who will? This challenge to all sanity must be stopped, and it must be stopped here, at the source. It ends here, where it began. Today we end a reign of terror, of ignorance, of foolishness. Today we free the minds of the world's youth. Today, we fight back, we resist, and we rescue thousands. If any have a problem with that, he can take it up with my steel." With the last sentence, his foil flew from its sheath to a perfect guard 6 as he assumed a fencing stance. After this speech, Jim simply couldn't oppose Stoker on this issue. Stoker had stage experience, and it had clearly contributed to his delivery. It imbued one with a sort of pride, duty, and loyalty that you couldn't help but be moved by it. It must have echoed Washington at the Delaware, Napoleon at Austerlitz, and Wellington at Waterloo. Even Boom was inspired. That was an achievement. They didn't rush to his side, they didn't cheer, they didn't cry VIVE LE STOKER!, but they listened. And they were moved. It was Jim who spoke first, and it was in a somewhat long suffering tone that he said "What do you need us to do sir?" Jim, although he fiercely disagreed with Stoker on many issues, considered him his leader and his commander on occasions such as this, hence the formality. Stoker smiled and said "Knew you'd see sense. In any case, I got 3 extra stakes when I realized the potential Doc's machine had. 1 for each of you. Remember, straight through the heart. Our main target is the main character, who, out of personal habit, I will not address by name. I shall simply call him The Sparkling Bandit of Westchester. Please, don't ask. If we can neutralize him, it brings the entire plot to a grinding halt. After that, there a few secondary targets that must be addressed, but if we don't take him out fast enough, the whole plan goes down the drain. Unless absolutely necessary, avoid contact with the other vampires or the regular citizens. We don't want to tip our hand. There is 1 exception. That werewolf –and I use the term loosely- bastard is to be taken out at the first convenient chance. That said, focus is to be kept on the sparkler. As to him, remember: He's not what we know as a vampire. He's fast in normal form and fairly strong. And for some reason I can't comprehend, his vampiric telepathic abilities have been extended to the point of being able to read almost anyone's mind. The speed necessitates surprise, and the telepathy makes it impossible. Above all keep your minds clear until he's gone. Don't focus on the task. I never thought I'd give this as advice, but keep as much random crap floating around your brain as you possibly can. If you're following him, start debating Trek vs. Wars with yourself, or try to justify the creation of Jar Jar Binks. As to the wolf, don't let him see you. When the time comes, I'll probably just toss my dagger into his heart from behind. He's supposedly quite formidable physically, and turning into a wolf is an advantage. We'll split up. We all know basic vampire killing procedure…" As the effects of the speech were beginning to wear off, Jim felt it necessary to interrupt here with a cry of "Only because you forced us to learn it" Stoker shot him a glare and retorted "And I bet you're thanking me now, aren't you?" Jim ignored him, and continued with "I mean for god's sake you made us do drills! Bloody drills! I think we know how to stab stuff, thanks." Doc, realizing that the usual Stoker vs. Jim debate would get them nowhere with an actual mission to perform, and that Stoker's sword was dangerously close to Jim's vital organs, managed to calm Jim allowing Stoker to continue. "Thank you, Doc. As I was saying, we all know procedure. Straight through the heart. Unfortunately, sparklepyres break another rule: They don't have to sleep in grave dirt. They don't sleep at all. This means someone has to stab him while he's up and moving. I have a slight advantage: Slitting a vampire's throat is as good as staking them, at least short term. Therefore, one swift move with my dagger and a thrust with my stake and he's down for the duration. As to further equipment, I'm afraid I can't help you. If you need money, a homeless beggar is actually a decent lookout so we can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Now I don't know which way to town so…" He was interrupted by a moderately large, fairly unattractive man, who cut him off with "Who are you and what are you doing here" Stoker jumped about to face the speaker and a spark of recognition flashed in his eye, but he quickly regained himself and said "Pardon good sir. We are but poor lost circus performers who have lost our way. Might there be a village or a town nearby?" The man seemed somewhat phased by Stoker's phrasing, not getting the obvious princess bride reference, but replied none the less telling them that the town was to the north, which Stoker knew he could recognize from tree moss. Plus the guy pointed north. "Now go. This land belongs to the Quileute." And with that he turned away, and never saw Stoker draw his dagger and throw it into the man's back with deadly accuracy in 2 seconds flat.

Jim was instantly outraged. "What the bloody hell you psychopath! What'd you kill him for! He gave us directions!" Stoker facepalmed. "Haven't you seen the movie commercials? That was the wolf. One less on the list. I thought I might as well get him out of the way now." He said as he calmly walked over and retrieved his dagger, cleaning it on the grass before returning it to his boot. Although Stoker appeared to throw the weapon into the man's back casually, and with little care, and looked to retrieve the weapon as if he'd only thrown it into a wall, a moral dilemma had raged in his head. On the one side was that the man was a human being like any other, although more 1 dimensional, and didn't deserve to die from a knife in the back because an author who didn't even exist in his world –although the girl was clearly a self insertion- had managed to popularize stupidity, which happened to include him. On the other stood Stoker's hatred for the franchise to which this man belonged, and said man's fairly disturbing character, his desire and duty to free those who would otherwise be taken in by twilight, and his need to save literature from the menace swooping down upon it. It hadn't been an easy decision. It had begun the moment he saw the wolf and ended only an instant before he reached for his dagger. In that time, there was crammed a battle between morals, both grand and true, both of which had to be obeyed, but which conflicted each other. In the end, the one temporarily subdued the other, and the wolf found a knife in his back. Stoker reminded himself that the stupid bastard had been a fictional character and got over it fairly quickly. And not the kind like Jean Valjean or Sherlock Holmes where you're SUPPOSED to cry when they die (or in Holmes' case "die"), or even Javert who you're meant to pity, but a one dimensional one that should have been killed off before being created. He'd just begun the process of liberating the world's entire population of teenage girls from Stephanie Meyer's corruptive drivel. He was upholding the (positive) ideals of the French revolution. Liberte, he was liberating millions from the affront to intelligence known as twilight, egalite, he was bringing their brains and preferred literature back on par, fraternite…well he didn't really have one for fraternite. But Liberty and equality were being upheld. If that meant a few fictional, sparkly "vampires" had to die, so be it.

To anyone who gets the 2 references in here, I may or may not have a small reward for you. Limited time offer


	3. Chapter 3

Stoker seemed a bit more solemn since they'd left the clearing. Whereas before he'd been jumping for joy at the chance of destroying twilight, he now walked less with the air of the delighted maniac, and more with that of a man doing what had to be done for a cause he believed in and not envying himself in the slightest. Due to Stoker's astonishingly poor sense of direction, they didn't manage to reach the town before nightfall. They'd reached a cliff which should have had a fairly good view of the sunset. In reality it would have, and in a way it did here, but the sunset was so poorly described and written that all Stoker could really make out was a wall of an ugly shade of orange. For a moment he thought Meyer had been so inconsistent that she'd put a desert under this cliff, but he quickly realized that she merely sucked at writing. After this somewhat anti climatic moment, Stoker lit a fire, put some of his garlic around it, set up his portable crossbow and gave it to Jim, who had the first watch. The watch rotated until it got to Stoker, who'd volunteered to get by on 2 hours, partially so that Boom wouldn't be on watch, which would have made all of them something between uncomfortable and unable to sleep for fear for their lives, and partially because he was the only one trained with the crossbow. Because, like nearly everything else that could theoretically kill a vampire, Stoker had made it a point to learn the crossbow. By some stroke of misfortune, they failed to encounter the shinepyre hunting and end the whole thing right there. The next morning, Stoker awakened Jim and Doc, and the 3 subsequently decided who would wake Boom via Rock Paper Scissors. It was by no means an enviable task. Since whenever anyone lost there was a five minute debate about whether it should be best 2 out of 3, or better yet, 16 out of 30, Stoker eventually took it upon himself to wake Boom by throwing a rock at his head. It worked. After Stoker slammed his face into a tree when Boom tried to charge him he calmed down a bit, and went back to his usual, still insane self. Stoker converted the crossbow back into a sheath, replaced his sword in it, remembered that he needed to make a dramatic gesture with his sword, drew it, raised it above his head, and lowered it in the general direction they needed to go while crying "ONWARD TO GLORY!" Jim and Doc were by no means morning people, and Boom wasn't someone keen to follow you at any time, so he quickly gained ground on them without realizing it. This was why the other 3 were attacked by the most important of the sparklpyres. Now, the few twihards who have stuck with my bashing long enough to give an informed flame (I tip my hat for that courtesy by the way. I like people to have half an idea what they're talking about when they attack me) are likely asking themselves, me, and the general area around them "Why would Eddiekins attack humans? He eats deer and stuff! Isn't he like a vegetarian?" First of all, I never necessarily said it was Edward, second, eating animals is significantly different from being a vegetarian, third, Boom's mind was so random, so ridiculous, so utterly insane, that it showed up on vampire mind radar as an animal, and he assumed that Boom must be an oddly shaped bear. As to Jim and Doc, he was utterly oblivious and didn't notice them. In any case, The Sparkling Bandit of Westchester attacked from the left flank, where Boom was walking. Due to their "fatigue" and their different theories about which terrain was easier to trek across, they were spread out significantly, leaving Boom in an easy pick off spot. The Sparkling Bandit of Westchester went straight for the neck with a half screech-half hiss which was clearly an attempt to rip off the Nazgul. It sounded pathetic. It succeeded, however, in drawing Jim and Doc's attention to Boom, who now had a pint less of blood and was unconscious. They drew their stakes immediately, but the Bandit was now gone. Stoker, who, knowing vampires may be on the hunt, had been listening for such noise, and ran back to his friends immediately. He saw Boom on the ground, was momentarily confused due to the "vegetarian" policies of the "vampires" in this "book," but reached the (correct) conclusion that, after failing to read Boom's chaotic mind, the vampire had assumed he was an animal, perhaps an oddly shaped bear of some sort. The Bandit having retreated, Jim and Doc were now standing over Boom. "Can I kill him Stoker? Please?" Asked Jim, hovering over Boom's breast with his stake. Doc, being Doc, looked less shocked, knowing his company –and more importantly Boom- than irritated. "He's only lost about a pint of blood, you don't die till you lose 5. He may be somewhat weakened for a bit, maybe need a transfusion when we get home, but for now he'll be fine. Assuming we bandage the neck fast enough." Jim glared at Doc "That's not what I meant." He said "He's going to turn into a goddamn sparklepyre now which a pretty big issue. First off, it means that the absolute most psychotic member of our group now drinks blood, second, it means he's strengthened physically, and third it means he'll slow us down. Besides, haven't we all wanted to kill Boom at one time or another?" Doc facepalmed, and prepared to give an exasperated response, but he was beaten to the punch by Stoker, who threw into the ring "Oh of course it's tempting. Nobody's saying it isn't tempting. But I'm going to go with a no on this one." This started a lengthy debate and/or shouting match over the issue, which eventually ended with Stoker's victory. One final point was fired by his opposition however. "Well, how are we supposed to keep him from attacking us?" Stoker smiled, and said "I was hoping you'd ask. Knew you would, you don't give up particularly easily. One moment." He turned away, pulled something out of his coat, and proceeded to fiddle with something for several minutes. When he turned back around, he had made a string necklace with much of their garlic on it. "Here" He said, placing it around Boom's neck "if I remember my canon correctly, this normally drives a vampire mad. But I figure Boom's already lost it to the extent that it'll just significantly weaken him." Jim nodded his agreement to this theory, but had one last objection "What happens if he takes it off?" he asked, worriedly. Stoker laughed heartily and replied "This is Boom we're talking about here. He's not smart enough for that. Jim accepted this as reasonable, and then asked "So, when does he wake up?" Stoker pondered this for a moment and said "Presumably, due to sparklepyres inability to follow coffin canon, burial isn't necessary, so if we wait, he should change before too long." After about an hour of waiting, which was occupied by Stoker's various books which he was always happy to loan, Jim now on his second Holmes case collection, Doc a ways into Dracula, and Stoker, who after suffering through this poorly written world where nothing looked real, decided to go to the other polar opposite and was reading his unabridged copy of Les Miserables, relishing Hugo's excessive descriptions, characters who had entire chunks of the book devoted to their backstories, and 100 page digressions. True, Marius' stalking Cossette, her subsequent acceptance of him, and Cossette's one dimensional character (Although Marius was significantly better portrayed than in the musical. He was actually interesting in the book.) Made him shudder, the amazing depth of Jean Valjean, Javert, and to some extent Marius, in addition to Gavroche's awesomeness and Thenardier's plots, and the fact that the book itself had a plot, managed to make up for it. He'd read the section dealing with Javert's suicide twice during the wait, and had just finished the gripping section in which Thenardier kidnaps Jean Valjean when Boom awoke. He collected his books and prepared to deal with a sparklepyre member of his party. Oh joy. Oh bliss.


	4. Chapter 4: A Plot Revealed

Boom began sparkling immediately. They were unimpressed. Boom didn't seem to notice anything different about himself. None of them were about to tell him. Presumably, the garlic kept his newfound powers under control, even if it didn't help the sparkling. After about an hour, they miraculously reached town despite Stoker's inability to find Russia on a map where it was circled. Stoker had many skills, following directions was not one of them. Finding Bella and Edward was strangely easy. The book was such a monotone, talking of nothing but their superficial qualities, that there was nobody in the streets. They just followed the crowds. The school was buzzing with activity, because even Meyer knew it would be strange if it only had 2 people in it. They split up to avoid security, Stoker taking boom with him because he was the only one who could competently kill him if something happened to the necklace. Jim ran into the janitor and gave a long, convoluted cover story about being a plumber who moonlighted as a city building inspector and substitute teacher. Fortunately, the janitor really didn't care and he got through anyway. Doc got along without a hitch until he walked by the science class, which Meyer had screwed up so enormously horribly, that Doc was forced to step in and correct the teacher. Fortunately for him, the teacher didn't believe in cell phones and the students were cheering him on, so no one arrived to stop him. As to Stoker and Boom, no one dared stop them. Stoker's sword dangled all too visibly, and Boom had the natural look of the maniac. Unfortunately, Stoker's sense of direction held true indoors, and they found themselves in the basement. It was there that they made a terrifying discovery.

The machine looked similar to Doc's, large, oddly shaped, with blinking red LED lights all over it. Stoker recognized it immediately. For a moment, he figured it must be some kind of exit point, but there hadn't been such a thing in peter pan. Then he remembered the lights on Doc's machine were blue. A dark realization struck him. He knew what this was, and what it was meant for. Stephanie Meyer intended to conquer the real world with her army of sparkling vampires. The machine had been here the whole time, Meyer had put it in the story but not written about it for the element of surprise. She was going to write another book, but not publish it. Again, to maintain surprise. Once she wrote the vampires entering the real world, they'd show up. She'd written it so poorly, and yet so enticingly to teenage girls for a reason. She knew it would capture a fanatic group of followers, and she knew no one who opposed it would be able to let it pass. They'd have a clear idea of their foe. After they'd eliminated them, Meyer would become a vampire, and she'd have the world. Any resistance would be put down by her force of vampire secret police, and her twihard army. It was the perfect plan for world domination. Stoker couldn't let this happen. He quickly scanned the room for a sledgehammer or equally destructive object, but came up empty handed. But then he had an idea. Wasn't he with the craziest explosives enthusiast on the face of the earth? "Boom, do you have any explosives on you." He asked, his was voice calm, but one could discern a hint of anger, an air of desperation, and the dawn of an idea. He barely waited for Boom's predictable answer of "I thought you'd never ask" and rapidly said "I need you to blow that thing up. I don't care about collateral damage. I just want that thing gone. Now." Boom cackled maniacally. Stoker momentarily wondered if he was releasing an even greater evil upon the world, but then remembered that he was preventing twilight for conquering the world, and that Boom's pyromania was already released. Stoker left Boom to his work, not caring whether the room came down with the machine or not, and, quite honestly, not caring particularly much if Boom sacrificed himself for the cause while doing what he loved. He needed to alert Jim and Doc to this. If Stephanie Meyer was really this devious, she may have more than one of these things set up. This had to be addressed at the double.

The Sparkling Bandit of Westchester was alone in the broom closet. After feeding the information about the interlopers to his queen, she had seemed concerned. She appeared worried as to the security of Operation: Eternal Twilight. His queen required his body. If he had had any emotions beyond his 1 dimensional stupidity, he would have hated it when she did this. It required temporarily giving him a personality. It was painful. He had been designed with one dimension in mind, no others. Her majesty was to take over control this time, which made it slightly less painful, but it was by no means pleasant for him. The pain returned, as his mind flared with thoughts he had never been meant to have. He felt the rising of an unknown moral sun. Truths which he had no wish for consumed him. And he lost control. His empress established control, and subsequently a mind link with his recent victim. "_My pet, you are my child. You will obey me. You are mine to command. What you know, I shall know." _To which the response was _"I know how to blow things up." _ This briefly baffled her dark majesty, but she established greater control over her newest subject fairly quickly. _"what are the plans of your party." "we are to kill the vampires." "You are one of us now. You shall obey. Has your leader discovered the machine?" "he has. I am to destroy it. I shall enjoy it." "Do not harm it. It is to be protected at all costs." "But then I don't get to blow it up." "You shall be free to destroy all you wish when the world is ours, my child." "I hear and obey my queen." "Do not allow this…Stoker of yours to destroy it." "It shall be done, my queen." _ And it was over. The Bandit's personality vanished as quickly as it had come. He regained control over himself. He felt great relief. His queen had fulfilled her purpose with him. He was himself again.

The queen was indeed concerned. Due to her amazing lack of foresight, she had failed to set up any backup systems. Despite what some would believe, the perfect climate for her plan which the style of twilight created was not an intended benefit. It was really the best she could write. The same inability showed in her plans. If that machine went down, it was all over. The Wolf was dead already. The others would follow soon if Stoker had anything to say about it. Fortunately, her characters were so 1 dimensional, that they were replaced at the drop of a hat. Another unintended side effect of her poor writing. Control of the bombmaker served her counteroffensive quite well. She couldn't replace that machine. It must be protected. She had to stop these courageous fools now.


	5. Chapter 5: In which there is battle

Stoker ran through the oddly indistinct halls as fast as he could. He had to find Doc before the invasion began. He ran into a support beam that he was certain hadn't been there earlier. The reason for the constant shifts was that with Stephanie Meyer behind the pen, nobody could quite tell where anything was supposed to be. Not even her. Then again, it may have been Stoker's sense of direction in this case. At the risk of redundancy, I shall speak of it once again. Stoker's sense of direction was something akin to King George III's sanity. It asserted itself occasionally, but was normally buried under a bunch of random crap that made no sense. He was correct in this instance however, the beam had not been there previously. Incidents like this repeated themselves as Stoker hunted for Doc. A staircase he started up distinctly changed destinations, when he came back down a broom closet had moved etc. It was extremely disorienting. Eventually Stoker succeeded in finding the science class, pulled Doc out by the arm as he corrected the teacher on something about temporal mechanics, and began to explain the circumstances. "Twilight is planning to invade the world. They have your machine. It's in the basement. I told Boom to blow it up. Think it would be faster to reprogram it?" Stoker said of all this quite fast, but distinctly. Doc wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about, but he'd heard the words "Boom" and "blow it up" in the same sentence, which always set off danger signs. They rushed back down to the basement, being delayed only when Stoker somehow led them to the third floor balcony. When they arrived, they found explosive charges not on the machine, but rather the door. Fortunately, Boom was too busy cackling to himself to notice them come in and they were able to duck back out before he blew them. Stoker converted his sheath into a crossbow, pulled a bolt from an ingeniously hidden pocket in his trenchcoat and fired. Boom fell to the ground. Doc yelped in surprise. Stoker merely rolled his eyes at this and said "Relax. He's not dead. There are only so many ways to kill a vampire. Cut the head off, although in theory, they can be brought back if reunited with the head with certain rituals. Stake through the heart is definitive, it makes bodily decay start to catch up which removes any chance of revival. Fire is accepted by the internet in general to kill everything, but it varies. Sunlight kills normal vampires eventually, though not necessarily with a dramatic explosion. Holy water can theoretically burn them to death. The reason you have to use a crossbow instead of a regular longbow is that it's a cross. It's an extension of that. It is an extension and enhancement however, hence the full stun effect. Preventing return to the coffin acts more like sleep deprivation or if you're lucky forces them into sunlight. There have been interesting theories about acid over the years, my personal opinion being that they can be killed by dissolving enough of and/or critical parts of the body, either by disintegration or eating through with chemicals. The heart and/or head have to be seriously damaged though. Stakes have to be made in a specific way, which retains the spirit of the tree, which then lingers in the vampire's heart after initial contact and destroys it. Slitting the throat supposedly worked on Dracula, but there's always been a debate as to whether he's actually dead or not. In any…." Doc had grown gradually more exasperated this entire speech, although he had a genuine interest, Stoker was starting to ramble and this really wasn't the time, so he cut him off with "I didn't ask for every detail of every mythos ever recorded, I just gasped because I thought you'd killed a mutual friend. I suppose we should disable the explosives and find a better way to restrain him?" Stoker, who had started moving the bombs as soon as Doc had cut him off and was beginning to reconnect them atop the machine replied, "Move them over here. Keep the wiring intact. If this survives the world is doomed. Meyer's been playing the world for saps. She secretly put this here, and she's planning to send an army of sparklepyres through to the real world. Once there, they will presumably attract the attention of the loyal Twihard cultists, who will flock to their banner. The outspoken critics and opponents of twilight will already have been identified by them, and Meyer starts off with a perfect little brainwashed empire. It's diabolically clever." For a moment, Doc dismissed this as silly. But the machine was like a mirror of his, Twilight's odd ability to create fanatics supported it, if it were her master plan, it would work. "Don't blow it, Stoker." Doc said, confidently striding over to the control panel with a clear purpose "We don't want to draw her attention. If I can overload it I may be able to burn out the circuits, but wait, what if we just pry the casing open and smash it?" Stoker shrugged, then said "This" and calmly threw the unconscious Boom onto the machine. Stoker's meaning quickly became apparent as a buzzing noise was heard, Boom twitched, and the power output levels on the machine went up. Doc gaped. "You just saved my life. How the hell could you possibly have known that?" Stoker laughed quietly, responding with "Generally, when something, even a machine, is connected to 4 boxes that say 'High Voltage' you can bet it's electrified." He kicked Boom off the machine with the rubber part of his shoe, drew his dagger, put his other hand on his sword, and faced both Boom and the door. Doc worked for about 10 minutes, occasionally muttering about having to hit confirm every time you did anything which made it hard to get 200 directly conflicting commands off in rapid enough succession, when The Sparkling Bandit of Westchester, The Mary Sue to Rule Them All, and a number of other people who, judging by their dress, paleness of skin and physical attributes were Meyerpyres entered the basement lair and confronted them. "Now, strange blood headed one….mmmmm…step away from that console." Stoker rolled his eyes again. They were starting to get tired. He threw his dagger side armed, slicing precisely through one of the Sparklepyres necks, pulled the silver cross out from under his ascot, pulled out an extra garlic necklace he'd made while passing through the school kitchen and put it on, drew his sword, picked up his crossbow, which was already loaded, in the other hand and rose with blade shining in the minimal light and crossbow boldly pointed at his foes. The sword, being only a foil, would only be good to stun them with pain for a moment if he went right through the heart, but they didn't know that. The first sparklepyre that moved got a bolt in the chest. The others momentarily recoiled in panicked fear, but The Mary Sue doubled over momentarily and rose to twice her previous height. "There now" It said. "Isn't that better. I am Stephanie Meyer, speaking to you through my friend here…" Stoker couldn't resist in interrupting with "Don't you mean self insert?" Meyer ignored him. "Miss Bella Swan. Now, I understand you have some grievances with my work" Stoker burst into full fledged laughter at this. "Grievances? That's the strongest term you can come up with? How about Vendetta? Pure fiery hatred? Passionate detestation with the fire of a thousand stars?" Sweyer's eyes narrowed slightly in what was clearly meant to be an intimidating villain stare. It had absolutely no effect on Stoker. "Well sir, I am afraid that you shall have to step away from our equipment." Stoker laughed even harder, nearly falling over "And who's going to make me? Your stupid sparklepyres? Seriously?" At this, another sparklpyre attempted to advance, only to be stabbed in the crotch with the foil, kicked in the shin, and stabbed through the heart with Stoker's stake, which he drew as his opponent shrieked in agony. After his opponent crumbled to dust he replaced it in his boot. Sweyer shook her head. "I'm afraid we require more drastic measures now. I do apologize." 3 sparklers surged forward at full speed, attempting to wrench the control console from Doc's arms. It was then that Boom woke up. He honestly didn't care whose side he was on and just threw grenades at random. Fortunately due to the larger number of the sparklers, they had difficulty getting out of the way and took a few casualties. Boom was in full battle rage mode now, which kept him from being controlled as a puppet. Doc was starting to lose control of the machine, as evidenced by his shouting "STOKER! I'M STARTING TO LOSE CONTRL OF THE MACHINE!" Stoker thought fast, lept over, and used the somewhat user friendly summoning systems. Soon they had organized an army of Jean Valjean, Sherlock Holmes, Quincy Morris, Dustfinger, Will Treaty, Enjorlas and Beowulf. The machine finally overloaded about a minute later. It was at this time that Jim slinked in from behind, slitting a sparkler's throat with a "Borrowed" swiss army knife. There hadn't been anything else available, and he couldn't just let his friends fight them off alone. Shots from the machine flew everywhere. Stoker was hit while struggling with the incarnation of evil, Doc was hit while trying to summon Cyrano de Bergerac, and Jim and Boom were hit while Jim was trying to prevent Boom from bringing the whole place down. The machine exploded soon afterward, killing the Sparkling Bandit of Westchester and his cronies.

That's it for this part. Hope you enjoyed it. There is a sequel that picks up where this leaves of, but for crossover reasons, I need to post it as a sequel. It'll be called One Book to Rule Them All.


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